I grew up with the mentality of looking at anyone who even thought to get married before securing a job as completely ridicules and irresponsible. I have reached a point of freedom. I could now move on because I am that responsible girl with a job. I could get married and move forward and not have to worry about anything because I have reached that point of complete clarity and security that I am free to just do about anything. O wait, one second, yes I was completely wrong.
I am more confused about life than I have ever been, at the same time I have never been as secure with myself as I am right now.
Lets face it: dating sucks. I can't just meet a guy fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. You know why? because I first need to know so many things before I even go on a date with him. I have to know what type of kippa he wears, how often he davens, where he davens, how often he learns, what he learns, where he is from, where he went to school, where he went to yeshiva for the year or hopefully two, otherwise why give him a chance? (I hope you're catching the sarcasm.) Here's what I don't have to know until the date: How he treats a girl, if he is kind, respectful, caring, mature, sensitive. Why would I ask these things before I go on a date? Why do these things get forgotten when we are looking for a potential spouse? I just can't seem to get it. Don't get me wrong, religious observance is very important to me, but I feel like we just keep forgetting we are looking for a person not a piece of paper. I will be the first to admit that I am a hypocrite. I just wish there was less pressure on this whole dating scene.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Well That's Life
I feel like I am constantly pulled in many directions, and am looked at in so many ways. I am the ultra orthodox girl when speaking to those more to the left of me, and the super liberal gemara learner (I wish I knew how to learn gemara!) Its so hard to be stuck between so many worlds, I feel like there are very few people who I could actually talk to and for them to understand me. Lonely woman of faith? perhaps.
To my friends more to the right, I am not succeeding because I do not say tehillim when riding on a bus, or do not wear dark tights, to the left I am failing for being too religious, too observant, and caring too much. In the world I feel most comfortable, I guess we can call that the post Israel bnei akiva world- the more strictly observant modern orthodox world I am failing. I am not a high level learner, I just started davening 3 times a day again, as opposed to twice, and it is quite a challenge. I feel like in the world I belong to, no one gets me. Anyone cringes at the word chareidi. I do not feel that is the ideal way of living life, but I just can't stand any reaction I get to that world anymore. Several times I spoke to people, and brought up that I was staying in Har nof for a week and a half in my recent stay in Israel, and they actually cringed. CRINGED. I found myself defending myself, saying, that there is a dati leumi community in har nof- but for what? why must I do that? Why can't the Jewish community be more accepting of others. Oh no Chareidi people are more careful about dress, have a different ideology then me, but do we not all have the same goal? I sure hope we do! Avodat Hashem- we want to serve G-d, get close to Him, try to understand His ways as best we can. Is the Chareidi world doing that well in their bubble? I don't know. Is the Modern Orthodox world succeeding while contributing to society?
So few of the people I speak to have ever been in a non denominational setting. I tried to explain to a girl I was speaking to that I recently spoke to a conservative guy who is observant and we were discussing ideology- she stopped me mid sentence saying well they're wrong, they're all wrong and stupid for believing what they believe. Well I think thats a huge issue in the Orthodox world- people don't listen to the other side. I am not condoning Conservative Judaism, but I think it's crazy to observe something all your life without exploring others. How can you know something is true without exploring? Is this such a crazy concept? When did people stop thinking?
To my friends more to the right, I am not succeeding because I do not say tehillim when riding on a bus, or do not wear dark tights, to the left I am failing for being too religious, too observant, and caring too much. In the world I feel most comfortable, I guess we can call that the post Israel bnei akiva world- the more strictly observant modern orthodox world I am failing. I am not a high level learner, I just started davening 3 times a day again, as opposed to twice, and it is quite a challenge. I feel like in the world I belong to, no one gets me. Anyone cringes at the word chareidi. I do not feel that is the ideal way of living life, but I just can't stand any reaction I get to that world anymore. Several times I spoke to people, and brought up that I was staying in Har nof for a week and a half in my recent stay in Israel, and they actually cringed. CRINGED. I found myself defending myself, saying, that there is a dati leumi community in har nof- but for what? why must I do that? Why can't the Jewish community be more accepting of others. Oh no Chareidi people are more careful about dress, have a different ideology then me, but do we not all have the same goal? I sure hope we do! Avodat Hashem- we want to serve G-d, get close to Him, try to understand His ways as best we can. Is the Chareidi world doing that well in their bubble? I don't know. Is the Modern Orthodox world succeeding while contributing to society?
So few of the people I speak to have ever been in a non denominational setting. I tried to explain to a girl I was speaking to that I recently spoke to a conservative guy who is observant and we were discussing ideology- she stopped me mid sentence saying well they're wrong, they're all wrong and stupid for believing what they believe. Well I think thats a huge issue in the Orthodox world- people don't listen to the other side. I am not condoning Conservative Judaism, but I think it's crazy to observe something all your life without exploring others. How can you know something is true without exploring? Is this such a crazy concept? When did people stop thinking?
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