Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Well That's Life

I feel like I am constantly pulled in many directions, and am looked at in so many ways. I am the ultra orthodox girl when speaking to those more to the left of me, and the super liberal gemara learner (I wish I knew how to learn gemara!) Its so hard to be stuck between so many worlds, I feel like there are very few people who I could actually talk to and for them to understand me. Lonely woman of faith? perhaps.

To my friends more to the right, I am not succeeding because I do not say tehillim when riding on a bus, or do not wear dark tights, to the left I am failing for being too religious, too observant, and caring too much. In the world I feel most comfortable, I guess we can call that the post Israel bnei akiva world- the more strictly observant modern orthodox world I am failing. I am not a high level learner, I just started davening 3 times a day again, as opposed to twice, and it is quite a challenge. I feel like in the world I belong to, no one gets me. Anyone cringes at the word chareidi. I do not feel that is the ideal way of living life, but I just can't stand any reaction I get to that world anymore. Several times I spoke to people, and brought up that I was staying in Har nof for a week and a half in my recent stay in Israel, and they actually cringed. CRINGED. I found myself defending myself, saying, that there is a dati leumi community in har nof- but for what? why must I do that? Why can't the Jewish community be more accepting of others. Oh no Chareidi people are more careful about dress, have a different ideology then me, but do we not all have the same goal? I sure hope we do! Avodat Hashem- we want to serve G-d, get close to Him, try to understand His ways as best we can. Is the Chareidi world doing that well in their bubble? I don't know. Is the Modern Orthodox world succeeding while contributing to society?

So few of the people I speak to have ever been in a non denominational setting. I tried to explain to a girl I was speaking to that I recently spoke to a conservative guy who is observant and we were discussing ideology- she stopped me mid sentence saying well they're wrong, they're all wrong and stupid for believing what they believe. Well I think thats a huge issue in the Orthodox world- people don't listen to the other side. I am not condoning Conservative Judaism, but I think it's crazy to observe something all your life without exploring others. How can you know something is true without exploring? Is this such a crazy concept? When did people stop thinking?


  1. Great first post.

    I think this really highlights one of the main problems facing the Jewish Community today: our inability to understand our brethren.

    Keep strong. You're doing good just by exploring.

  2. Why can't the Jewish community be more accepting of others.

    That question is too often asked, never really answered.

    Good post.